Resources for St. Gregory's Couples Group
Many of the resources on this page are derived from the Prepare-Enrich Group Program. The exercises are most helpful when used in conjunction with the results of a personalized Prepare-Enrich Relationship Inventory.
A Prayer for Couples
Gracious God, giver of life and love, bless all couples. Grant them wisdom and devotion in the ordering of their common life, that each may be to the other a strength in need, a counselor in perplexity, a comfort in sorrow, and a companion in joy. And so knit their wills together in your will, and their spirits in your Spirit that they may live together in love an peace all the days of their life. Amen. (Adapted from the Book of Common Prayer)
Gracious God, giver of life and love, bless all couples. Grant them wisdom and devotion in the ordering of their common life, that each may be to the other a strength in need, a counselor in perplexity, a comfort in sorrow, and a companion in joy. And so knit their wills together in your will, and their spirits in your Spirit that they may live together in love an peace all the days of their life. Amen. (Adapted from the Book of Common Prayer)
Session 1(November):
Identifying Strength & Growth Areas
Personality Profiles
Session Exercises
Group Process "Ground Rules"
Exercise 1: Sharing Strength & Growth Areas
Exercise 2: Personality Profiles: Understanding Similarities & Differences
Follow Up
The SCOPE personality profile (which everyone in the Couples Group completed in the initial PREPARE/ENRICH inventory) is one of many tools that can help you better understand yourself and your partner. When we understand ourselves in terms that are descriptive, rather than judgmental, we are in a better position to grow as individuals and to recognize the strengths that our differences can bring to our relationships. In addition to the SCOPE personality profile, you and your partner might wish to explore:
The Enneagram (full online inventory, $10 per person)
The Meyers-Briggs Personality Type Inventory (full online inventory, $50 per person)
5 Love Languages Personal Profile Online or PDF
Spiritual Practice: Non-Judgement
It is easy to fall into a habit of making negative judgements about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships. The negative judgement can actually block the positive growth and change we desire. Can you practice looking honestly at both your strengths and your growth areas with curiosity, hope, or love instead of negativity and judgement? Can you practice looking honestly at both the gifts and the challenges of your own personality (and your partner's personality) in this same way?
Group Process "Ground Rules"
Exercise 1: Sharing Strength & Growth Areas
Exercise 2: Personality Profiles: Understanding Similarities & Differences
Follow Up
The SCOPE personality profile (which everyone in the Couples Group completed in the initial PREPARE/ENRICH inventory) is one of many tools that can help you better understand yourself and your partner. When we understand ourselves in terms that are descriptive, rather than judgmental, we are in a better position to grow as individuals and to recognize the strengths that our differences can bring to our relationships. In addition to the SCOPE personality profile, you and your partner might wish to explore:
The Enneagram (full online inventory, $10 per person)
The Meyers-Briggs Personality Type Inventory (full online inventory, $50 per person)
5 Love Languages Personal Profile Online or PDF
Spiritual Practice: Non-Judgement
It is easy to fall into a habit of making negative judgements about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships. The negative judgement can actually block the positive growth and change we desire. Can you practice looking honestly at both your strengths and your growth areas with curiosity, hope, or love instead of negativity and judgement? Can you practice looking honestly at both the gifts and the challenges of your own personality (and your partner's personality) in this same way?
Session 2 (December):
Personal Stress Profile
Communication (Assertiveness & Active Listening)
Session Exercises
Exercise 1: Stress-Identifying Critical Issues
Handout: Communication: Assertiveness & Active Listening
Exercise 2: Communication-Creating a Wish List
Follow Up
Exercise: Stress--Balancing Your Priorities
Exercise: Communication--Daily Dialogue & Compliments
Donnel's Awesome Presentation on Engaging Difference
Keep practicing assertiveness & active listing.
Assertiveness = Communicating your needs & feelings
Try using phrases like: "I need...I wish...I feel..."
Active Listening = Hearing and reflecting back the content & feelings your partner is trying to communicate.
Try using phrases like: "I hear you saying....It sounds like you're feeling....is that right?"
Below is another great framework to try when communicating. The key is to connect and express your care for the other person before you jump into expressing your concern.
1) Connect & Care
I love you Sylvia, and I know how busy you are at church this time of year.
2) Describe Behavior or Situation
I notice that the dirty dishes have been accumulating in the sink for a week.
3) Describe Your Feelings
I feel overwhelmed and frustrated because we have no clean dishes
4) Describe Your Hope/Wish/Need
I need you to help out by washing the dishes tonight
5) Describe Next Steps
If all the pans are in the sink, then I can't cook dinner. Once the dishes are clean, I will be able to cook dinner
Spiritual Practice: Non-Defensiveness
Notice how you feel when your partner expresses frustration, worry, concern, anger or criticism. Notice your own reaction and feelings. Do you feel defensive? Do you feel an urge to solve the problem? Notice your reaction and name it internally, then choose to set it aside long enough to practice active listening. Reflect back both the content and the feeling of your partner's statement. Once you and your partner agree that they have been heard and understood, you can return to your own reaction and feelings (if you want to.)
Exercise 1: Stress-Identifying Critical Issues
Handout: Communication: Assertiveness & Active Listening
Exercise 2: Communication-Creating a Wish List
Follow Up
Exercise: Stress--Balancing Your Priorities
Exercise: Communication--Daily Dialogue & Compliments
Donnel's Awesome Presentation on Engaging Difference
Keep practicing assertiveness & active listing.
Assertiveness = Communicating your needs & feelings
Try using phrases like: "I need...I wish...I feel..."
Active Listening = Hearing and reflecting back the content & feelings your partner is trying to communicate.
Try using phrases like: "I hear you saying....It sounds like you're feeling....is that right?"
Below is another great framework to try when communicating. The key is to connect and express your care for the other person before you jump into expressing your concern.
1) Connect & Care
I love you Sylvia, and I know how busy you are at church this time of year.
2) Describe Behavior or Situation
I notice that the dirty dishes have been accumulating in the sink for a week.
3) Describe Your Feelings
I feel overwhelmed and frustrated because we have no clean dishes
4) Describe Your Hope/Wish/Need
I need you to help out by washing the dishes tonight
5) Describe Next Steps
If all the pans are in the sink, then I can't cook dinner. Once the dishes are clean, I will be able to cook dinner
Spiritual Practice: Non-Defensiveness
Notice how you feel when your partner expresses frustration, worry, concern, anger or criticism. Notice your own reaction and feelings. Do you feel defensive? Do you feel an urge to solve the problem? Notice your reaction and name it internally, then choose to set it aside long enough to practice active listening. Reflect back both the content and the feeling of your partner's statement. Once you and your partner agree that they have been heard and understood, you can return to your own reaction and feelings (if you want to.)
Session 3 (February):
Conflict Resolution
Financial Management
Session Exercises
Exercise 1: Ten Steps for Resolving Conflict
Handout: The Challenges of Money
Exercise 2: Importance of Financial Goals
Exercise 3: The Meaning of Money
Follow Up
Exercise: How to Take a Time-Out
Exercise: Seeking and Granting Forgiveness
Exercise: Budget Worksheet
Communication & Conflict "Cheat Sheet"
Spiritual Practice: Fighting Fair
That's right. Engaging conflict can be a spiritual practice. Routinely avoiding conflict can be an act of despair--things will never get better...why even try? On the other hand, intentionally and constructively engaging conflict can be an act of hope and faith--I believe this can get better, and I want to work together with you to figure out how! The following practices can help us engage conflict in ways that increase understanding, intimacy, and trust.
Exercise 1: Ten Steps for Resolving Conflict
Handout: The Challenges of Money
Exercise 2: Importance of Financial Goals
Exercise 3: The Meaning of Money
Follow Up
Exercise: How to Take a Time-Out
Exercise: Seeking and Granting Forgiveness
Exercise: Budget Worksheet
Communication & Conflict "Cheat Sheet"
Spiritual Practice: Fighting Fair
That's right. Engaging conflict can be a spiritual practice. Routinely avoiding conflict can be an act of despair--things will never get better...why even try? On the other hand, intentionally and constructively engaging conflict can be an act of hope and faith--I believe this can get better, and I want to work together with you to figure out how! The following practices can help us engage conflict in ways that increase understanding, intimacy, and trust.
- Practice good communication skills (assertiveness & active listening)
- Avoid "mind-reading"
- Focus on the issue or behavior, NOT the other person
- Take your partner (and their feelings) seriously
- Stay specific and in the present. Avoid generalizing ("always"/"never") and bringing up the past.
- Stay calm. Take a "time-out" if you need to.
- Seek a resolution that feels like a "win" for both partners.
Session 4 (March):
Spiritual Beliefs
Sexuality, Romance & Affection
Session Exercises
Exercise 1: Your Spiritual Journey
Exercise 2: The Expression of Intimacy
Follow Up:
Check out one or more of the Gottman Institute Love Apps for iPhone
Spiritual Practice: Kindness
Mother Theresa once said, "Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile." How can you practice kindness with a partner who holds different beliefs?
Exercise 1: Your Spiritual Journey
Exercise 2: The Expression of Intimacy
Follow Up:
Check out one or more of the Gottman Institute Love Apps for iPhone
Spiritual Practice: Kindness
Mother Theresa once said, "Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile." How can you practice kindness with a partner who holds different beliefs?
Session 5 (May):
Family Maps: Closeness & Flexibility
Final Wrap Up
Session Exercises
Exercise 1: Mapping your Relationship
Exercise 2: Achieving your Goals...Together
Follow Up
Exercise: Couple & Family Maps--Closeness Exercises
Exercise: Couple & Family Maps--Flexibility Exercises
Spiritual Practice: Making Time for your Relationship
Sit down with your partner and your calendars and make a plan to set aside time on a regular basis to nourish your relationship for the next six months. Could you continue to commit 3 hours each month to intentional "couple time" with your partner? Get it on the calendar. Make it a priority.
Exercise 1: Mapping your Relationship
Exercise 2: Achieving your Goals...Together
Follow Up
Exercise: Couple & Family Maps--Closeness Exercises
Exercise: Couple & Family Maps--Flexibility Exercises
Spiritual Practice: Making Time for your Relationship
Sit down with your partner and your calendars and make a plan to set aside time on a regular basis to nourish your relationship for the next six months. Could you continue to commit 3 hours each month to intentional "couple time" with your partner? Get it on the calendar. Make it a priority.
Other Resources
Below are some topics, exercises, and other resources we may not get to cover in our Couples Group that you and your partner may wish to explore.
Addiction
Alcoholics Anonymous (in San Francisco); support for individuals struggling with alcohol use
Al-Anon (in San Francisco); support for friends and relatives of individuals struggling with alcohol use
Narcotics Anonymous (in San Francisco)
Sex Addicts Anonymous (Bay Area)
Divorce or Separation
Sometimes, despite all our best intentions and efforts, we discern that the most loving and healthy choice is to end our marriage or romantic relationship. When we decide to end a relationship, it is more important than ever to rely on the tools we practice in our Couples Group--communication skills, conflict resolution skills, forgiveness and stress management--and to anchor ourselves in those spiritual practices and supportive communities that will encourage and sustain us.
Prayers at the Ending of a Relationship & for Healing after a Divorce
Kidsturn, a SF based nonprofit that helps families put "kids in the center of healing, not in the middle of conflict" (shared by Amy Baker)
Good Parenting through your Divorce by Mary Ellen Hannibal (shared by Amy Baker)
Expectations (Marriage/Relationship)
Exercise: Managing your Expectations
Finances
Your Money or your Life by Vicki Robin
Free: Spending your time and money on what matters most by Mark Scandrette
Three Simple Rules: Resources to Improve your Finances by Theo Boers
General
Couple Checkup: The Online Couple Checkup is built on the foundation of the PREPARE/ENRICH program you experienced as part of our Couples Group. After you've completed the Couples Group, you might plan to take the Couple Checkup once a year (perhaps on the anniversary of your marriage or another special occasion) as part of your investment in continuing to strengthen your relationship. The Online Couple Checkup provides you with a 15 page Couple Report and Couple Discussion Guide. The cost is $35 per couple.
The Gottman Institute
The Science of Lasting Relationships (Summary article)
Some hopefully helpful advice for your weird marriage (article by John Pavlovitz)
Leisure Activities
Exercise: The Dating Exercise
Best Free Dates in San Francisco
Fun Cheap Events in the Bay Area
Parenting & Children
Exercises: Couple Discussion About Children & Planning a Family Conference
Exercise: Stepfamilies: Choosing Realistic Expectations
Find more resources on our Parent Group Page
Relationship Roles
Exercise: Sharing Roles
Spirituality and Prayer
Cati Brown, one of our couples' group participants, created the following chant (which can also be used as a silent breath prayer) as a way to calm and ground herself in the midst of frustration or conflict.
Addiction
Alcoholics Anonymous (in San Francisco); support for individuals struggling with alcohol use
Al-Anon (in San Francisco); support for friends and relatives of individuals struggling with alcohol use
Narcotics Anonymous (in San Francisco)
Sex Addicts Anonymous (Bay Area)
Divorce or Separation
Sometimes, despite all our best intentions and efforts, we discern that the most loving and healthy choice is to end our marriage or romantic relationship. When we decide to end a relationship, it is more important than ever to rely on the tools we practice in our Couples Group--communication skills, conflict resolution skills, forgiveness and stress management--and to anchor ourselves in those spiritual practices and supportive communities that will encourage and sustain us.
Prayers at the Ending of a Relationship & for Healing after a Divorce
Kidsturn, a SF based nonprofit that helps families put "kids in the center of healing, not in the middle of conflict" (shared by Amy Baker)
Good Parenting through your Divorce by Mary Ellen Hannibal (shared by Amy Baker)
Expectations (Marriage/Relationship)
Exercise: Managing your Expectations
Finances
Your Money or your Life by Vicki Robin
Free: Spending your time and money on what matters most by Mark Scandrette
Three Simple Rules: Resources to Improve your Finances by Theo Boers
General
Couple Checkup: The Online Couple Checkup is built on the foundation of the PREPARE/ENRICH program you experienced as part of our Couples Group. After you've completed the Couples Group, you might plan to take the Couple Checkup once a year (perhaps on the anniversary of your marriage or another special occasion) as part of your investment in continuing to strengthen your relationship. The Online Couple Checkup provides you with a 15 page Couple Report and Couple Discussion Guide. The cost is $35 per couple.
The Gottman Institute
The Science of Lasting Relationships (Summary article)
Some hopefully helpful advice for your weird marriage (article by John Pavlovitz)
Leisure Activities
Exercise: The Dating Exercise
Best Free Dates in San Francisco
Fun Cheap Events in the Bay Area
Parenting & Children
Exercises: Couple Discussion About Children & Planning a Family Conference
Exercise: Stepfamilies: Choosing Realistic Expectations
Find more resources on our Parent Group Page
Relationship Roles
Exercise: Sharing Roles
Spirituality and Prayer
Cati Brown, one of our couples' group participants, created the following chant (which can also be used as a silent breath prayer) as a way to calm and ground herself in the midst of frustration or conflict.